You think you know but you have no idea

Insecurities....

2006-04-12T22:58:00.000-07:00

I believe all of us, at varying degrees are insecure about ourselves. Whether it is struggling to fit in, or struggling to find self esteem within ourselves or just general doubts regarding our capabilities and talents, we are all subjected to this demon that we create. Perhaps those with larger egos can escape this feeling of helplessness and desperation, or maybe it is those who are cocky who are the most vulnerable? In any case, if you know me well enough, I am probably one of the most insecure people you will meet. Self judging and self doubt have become instictive second nature, and little things will make me doubt myself, my abilities and the core of who I am.

I think this fundamental flaw stemmed from the fact that I have always felt the judgmental comparisons made by my mother while growing up. It may seem silly, but since I was in elementary school, I was constantly reminded that others were smarter and that I should catch up or learn from them. Throughout highschool, I was continually compared with classmates and grilled by my mother how my performance ranked amongst others. I realize a significant part of my growth was spent in comparison with other people's achievements, and that I ended up wasting a lot of time trying to better myself, by chasing after other people's success and trying to imitate it.

Now, not does this tendency demonstrate itself in my academic and professional environment, I am extremely insecure when it comes to relationships as well. The same attitude and fears that have pegged me during my youth, continue to follow me in my friendships and love life. "What if he leaves me for someone better?" "What if there is someone prettier, smarter and funnier?" These are real questions that go through my mind often enough for me to feel a real depression while contemplating the answer to those questions. It is truly hard to understand why someone would be with me and what they would see in me. Some call this humbleness, but I know this distinctive feeling is not a quality but a real crutch on the path in believing in myself.

However, when I think of the love God has shown me, I am instantly taken away from those suffocating emotions that make me sick to my stomach. I am reminded that I am not compared to others in His eyes, but judged by the pureness of my heart. I am reminded that His love defies human understanding and that his unconditional embrace is ever present in my life and that all I have to do is seek Him. Some may see this as a sigh of weakness, that I am unable to find the strength within myself to stand on my own. That may be true, as I believe that we human beings are unable to control every aspect of their lives as some believe. However, when I think of God, I look not for an emotional crutch to hold onto, or a mere reason to believe in order to avoid condemnation. When I think of God's presence in my life, I feel this indescribable peace, a peace that I am loved in His eyes and that all those human, superficial comparisons dont apply to Him, for He sees me for who I am inside. It is a peace that trenscends and pierces all my fears, doubts and worries. Chris Tomlin's song "Unfailing Love" embodies exactly that, and as I never know exactly how to end my entries, I thought I would just post up the simple yet moving lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs. :)

You have my heart
And I am yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power

And everything
You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand

Praise You God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
You never change, God, You remain
The Holy One and my unfailing love
Unfailing love

You are my rock
The One I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You

its this time of year...

2005-04-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

Its the time of year where everyone's mood gets better cause of the weather.
Its the time of year, where everyone gets sad cause people leaving, due to graduation.
Its the time of year where we gotta start thinking of things other than school, cause well we have to do something with our summers.
Its the time of year, where people get married, and enter the most important stage of their lives, knowing there is no turning back.
Its the time of the year where people leave, some come back, some dont.

Its the time of the year, where its rather a bitter sweet feeling of anticipation and loss at the same time.

I'll post pictures when I figure out how to.

Things I HAVE to do before I die...

2005-04-13T12:57:00.000-07:00

life is short. You give and take away and before I leave I want to have lived a full life. Here are things on top of my head:

- Learn how to Surf.
- Learn how to Salsa Dance and do that cool rolling around move.
- Go to Africa with Sheila on a missions trip!
- Go to a live taping of the Oprah show.
- Go to a political conference advocating Women's rights and learning about other cultures and women all around the world.
- SEE GOD IN MY LIFE EVERYDAY.
- Oh and maybe meet Jesse McCartney.... hehe

Good Friday

2005-03-25T22:11:00.000-08:00

Why do they call it Good Friday? I mean Jesus died today. shouldnt it be Bad Friday? I dont understand how the word "good" can be associated to an event so tragic and horrific. As I stepped into church tonight, I wasnt quite prepared for the emotional turmoil I was going to experience. I knew it was going to be mostly about prayer and contemplation, but some things just really hit home tonight. We had this whole prayer labyrinth set up at our church, and each station was made to recreate the path that Jesus took to his death. The symbols at each station made such bold statements and spoke to me in a way that I had never anticipated. I was staring at a purple cloth, a crown of thorns, and a thick rope for 5 minutes straight. The suffering Jesus went through, that crown was pressed through his skull, that rope flogged his flesh once too many times. What was it all for? It still chokes me to this day, that all he went through was for us, for me. The pain he endured I could have never understood. As he stood helplessly naked in pain, what was going through his mind? He died for us, and i will never allow myself to forget this. As I prayed tonight, and watched clips from the passion, and looked at various objects symbolizing this important day, I swore to myself that I would not forget what He went through for us. I want to remember this feeling, because that is just a fraction of the pain He felt. I will not forget.

and Im back!

2005-03-23T15:11:00.000-08:00

After receiving numerous requests to update my blog, I have decided to give the public what they want. and by public, I mean Tim and Micah. wahahahahaha. its true that I havent blogged in while, its just that my days are very ordinary and I dont know what to write about. I mean I dont want to bore people to death with my ramblings.

but I will start off with a riddle/joke I thought of in the metro.

Once upon a time, a beautiful princess was born, but when she grew up, the father the king, realized the curse his daughter had been submitted to; everything the daughter touched melted. They tried to let her touch the hardest things known to man, Diamonds, metal, Gold etc. But nothing worked. Her father was hopeless and decided to announce that he would Give his daughter's hand to anyone who could break this curse. Many eligible bachelors resonded to the announcements, but not one could break her "melting" curse. Until one man came along, and simply asked the princess to reach down into his pocket. Upon doing so, the princess was amazed because for the first time she touched something that did not melt!

Question: WHAT did the princess touch? hahhahaha stupid joke. but try to guess ppl!

Just one of those days....

2005-01-20T15:45:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days when I feel content. A day in where my sorrows and problems dont seem to relentlessly attack me. Today was one of those days where I felt like I could just breathe. Maybe it was cause I bumped into a few old friends. Maybe because I found myself walking down St.Catherine by myself with Ryan Cabrera music in my ears. Or maybe it was just cause, despite of spending the whole day at school, I had friends I loved and just spent the whole day laughing or making fun of each other. It was a good day. I anticipate to end this day with a full night of not-to-be-missed TV and since I dont have school tomorrow! I can read till as late as i want. ahhhh if all my days could be like this.

Dear You

2005-01-09T15:18:00.000-08:00

I am writing this to you to apologize. Never did it cross my mind that what I have done was so hurtful, until I experienced it myself. Maybe the fact that I am feeling this anguish and remorse is some kind of punishment, but I am willing to welcome such a feeling just because I can reflect on my wrong doing to you.

We are fine today. You have forgiven me many times for the things I didnt even know I did. It is not anything that is apparent through the eyes of a third party. I didnt realize what was wrong about it at the time. Its not something you can point out or assign a name to. No, instead it is more of a silent betrayal. A betrayal only experienced through someone in the exact situation. And today the roles have changed. I am now standing in your shoes and see things through a totally different angle. I see why you were angry and resentful, I now understand the inward bitterness and silent treatments that seemed incomprehensible at that time. I finally recognize that feeling of betrayal itself pointed out so clearly, although nothing has really been done. It is quite strange, how someone may not pick out at all what is wrong, but in your heart, everything has changed. I now understand that feeling of disappointment as well.The disappointment that you must have felt and the disapoointment that I ignorantly dismissed. For all those things I am sorry.

It is strange how the exact person more or less in an alliance with has turned around and become my opposition. I see how I tried to be loyal and neutral but always secretly sided with that person. Its not that I had any bad feelings towards you but the mere feeling of loyalty stuck with me and I did what in my heart I felt was right. How ironic that now it is my turn, and that you are by my side, when I so blatantly betrayed you in the past? I am so sorry that I was a bad judge of character, and in retrospect, I wish I was there for you when you needed me the most. I wish I was able to bring you the comfort and affirmation that you have brought to me. I wish I was there for you, no matter what.

But all this is in the past, you are someone I will always remember as being genuinely true. This debt I owe I will always try to repay. My loyalty lies elsewhere now. And I hope you know that and that you can learn to count on me as I wont disappoint you again.

2005

2005-01-06T22:53:00.000-08:00

And the year 2005 is here. I think the feelings I remember having while celebrating the coming of 2004 differ a lot from this year. I was content and happy nonetheless, but it just wasnt the same. things change, and however you may try some things change forever. I think I really realized that this now. As much as you want to forget and move on, somehow the fine line between moving on and running away is blurry to me.

This year my new years resolution (although long overdue) is to learn from my mistakes and to be a better Christian. Not from the outside, but from the heart. You really learn things through pain or the hard way. Ive always heard that but had never felt it being so true than now. I promised a few very important people in my life that I wouldnt go down that road again. And I want each and every one of them to hold me accountable for it.

This new year, although fun filled with activities and friends. It is at night, in the silence that I really contemplate the gravity and importance of what really matters, how I must change... inside.

The Gap. and im not talking the store...

2004-12-26T21:25:00.000-08:00

sometimes I hate having my life.

I hate being at home. Nothing good ever comes out of being at home. I just feel the need to get out. I cant talk to her. She just doesnt get me. And she wonders why Im never at home.

Why is she trying to be a mother now?

oh my gahhhhh

2004-12-19T19:56:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays!!!

I dont know why but this year doesnt feel very christmas-y. but Im still going to try to make the most of it on the 25th and actually getting pickles something haha.

I think people are still very much in school mode. Since a lot of people havent finished school yet, and those who have finished school, are either anticipating their marks, or celebrating/crying over the marks that they did get back. I fall into the anticipating.... more like nervous maybe. I hate not knowing stuff, well just my marks.

Desperate Housewives was so good!
As was Jack and Bobby

Must see show: MUCH WANTED countdown to the top 20 hottest guys. heheheh Matt long heehehe makes me all happy...

"Its not what you can get away with, its who you want to be." - Jack McCallister

and I AM DONE.

2004-12-16T21:10:00.000-08:00

After 6 grueling exams.... 6 horrible slept nights I am FINALLY DONE. Actually it hasnt sunk in yet, but I just have to keep on telling myself that its done, and I'll start to believe it haha. The thing about finals that I hate is that 1) you never get to see a copy of your final exam until the next semester. I mean by that time, i dont even remember what I wrote and why I wrote it! Teachers sometimes miscalculate a point here and there and there is no way to find out until the next year! call me paranoid, but I just dont fully trust my teacher's calculations. 2)After our finals on our way out, our teacher usually provides us with our grades up to date. Meaning our average before the final exam. The grade might be good and all and you might feel confident about your performance in that class, but once the final is corrected, that grade my change drastically since the final counts for so much. Therefore it sets you up for disapointment cause your final grade might be totally different from what you THOUGHT was actually your grade!

ANYHOW, I am just happy that all this is over. I have been seeing the EXACT same people for the last 4 months, every single day hahah we've become a close group Id like to think. I've also learned to not believe any kind of gossip thats going around and to just let it come through one ear and go out the other. starting tomorrow, I will not wake up at the same hour to do the same thing, to see the same people anymore. its going to be quite a change of routine. Ive gotten so used to my classmates that we just end up calling or text messaging each other, even though we see each other everyday. I guess thats what happens when you're stuck with one group of people for 3 years straight lol. I had tons of fun tho and I can finally rest, knowing I gave it my all and did the best I could possibly have done.

money money money money MONAYYYYY!

2004-12-14T16:13:00.000-08:00

So my dad is coming in January for a few days, and my mom and I have to go pick him up in New York. Problem is, my mom has a taiwanese passport, therefore she has to apply for a visitors VISA to enter the states. Of course, she delegates this to none other than - Moi. Oh well Im used to it. so I research it on google, and follow the required procedure, one of the steps being to reserve an appointment. You have to call this specific number, and just for TAKING the appointment, they charge you 2.25$ per minute!! of course they try to cram as much recorded messages to waste the time up, and just for you to spend more time on the line, they talk really slowly... as if I dont know what they're doing! So I, being aware that they're charging me for every minute Im on the phone try to do this as quick as possible, until the last step. The last step is that you have to confirm your appointment with an agent. While still charging me, they put me on HOLD. At 2.25$ a minute I expect someone to be on the other line WAITING for me... not me having to wait for them! Not only do they put me on hold, they threw in a nice song as well..... the something "paradise, put up a parking lot" song? and the whole song PLAYED THROUGH and I STILL didnt get to talk to anyone. So Im calculating in my head, the song is approximately 3 minutes... and just in the waiting period I spent 6 dollars and 75 cents!!! That was the most expensive song in my life! What is wrong with these people? Not only that, just to apply for a VISA costs 100$ US and that doesnt even garantee you the approval of the VISA! All this for ONE day to pick up my dad...... geesh.

And did you know that it cost 10,000 do have a C-Section in the states? who can afford that????!

2004-12-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

yay hahahha, well I actually dont see myself as being intellligent or smart, I guess this is some kind of superficial affirmation just like my forture cookie! hehe

ARGH

2004-12-07T17:30:00.000-08:00

So today was my last day of school. It was mostly very cheerful and happy as my friends son came to our class to visit. Now he's 3 years old and adorabbbllee and lets just say he had an entourage the whole day clinging on his every word. That was fun, I, wanting to make a lasting impression, and so continuously tried to teach him how to pronounce my name! " Joooooooooo -elle, jooooooooo-ELLE" after a while he got it! and when I actually tried to show off his capability of pronouncing my name in front of other people, he just stopped and stood there quietly. Making me look like a crazy nut. HAHA it was like that frog, who would sing and preform in front of the man, but the minute someone else was watching it would just act like a normal frog! remember that cartoon??? lol anyhow I had a good time with the adorable child and even managed to steal some food from the party hosted by the 1st years. Yeah have a party, try getting to second year. I get very happy out of terrorizing them about the coming year of the program. Then they'll be crying lol. I know thats mean.... haha

THEN the happiness stopped. Well it was the end of the day anyways, but a few of us stayed a bit longer to just chat and I had to wait for my ride. So this increasingly annoying guy, starts up the whole subject of Evolution yet AGAIN. I hate talking about it, because Im the only Christian out of the 5 people there, and no matter what I say they will not believe, or cant. Now mind you I have tried reading up on the subject, on about how Evolution contradicts the first two laws of thermodynamics and so on, but I havent quite understood it to the point where I could recite it backwards and say "BAMMMM!!" at the end of my arguments. And my other friend too, admitted that he hadnt completely done a thorough research on the theory of evolution as well. As neither of us major in Biology or any science related subject.

NOW what I DONT get, is IF you believe evolution to be true, and I believe God and that he created the world to be true, and WHATEVER either of us says, we will NOT change our minds, WHATS THE POINT OF BRINGING IT UP TIME AFTER TIME? Im not trying to convert them into Christians and impose my religion on them, WHY are they trying to convert me into a non-christian?! This is to the point where it has gotten seriously annoying and I am seriously frustrated at how people cant just AGREE to DISAGREE. simple concept one would think, no?
ARGH.... I really need to do my research for the next time this stupid conversation happens again. Ahhhh.... just wanted to vent!

On another note, as soon as I get my Christmas Wish list done, I will be posting some of the CHEAP things I want hihihi.

Ok ok Im updating...

2004-11-30T22:06:00.000-08:00

hahah so its been a while since Ive updated, but only because I have been swamped with work and too lazy to type a few words here...

But the thing is I have a lot of little stories that happen everyday.... yet there are so many that I dont know which to write about and how to formulate it all so that it'll actually be meaningful.

But the story of the day is, I have really experienced standing up for my religion today. As my gay marriage presentation was presented today, people asked questions about God. and it was then that I was really able to try to explain to them who God was and WHAT he was. but it was so difficult...... just to try to prove myself and hold up before scrutiny. But I tried my best, although it wasnt enough. I just hope I sparked SOMETHING. I love God I just dont know how to get his message accross and I feel so powerless ...... I just wish they understood, I just wish they could for one second SEE and FEEL what Im talking about. sigh.

My head is hurting. I shall sleep now.

Thank yous!

2004-11-21T01:47:00.000-08:00

Almost everyone I know who happen to have a blog, have one of these posts. Yes its one of those cheesy you-mean-so-much-to-me- because kind of blog. I just thought it was time for one of these blogs cause the time you can see that people really care, is when you're at your lowest, and they're still there. Its the people who still care when you're gone. Those who notice, and try to put a smile on your face and make you feel like they havent forgotten you. Its those true friends that you wish you had cherished more when everything was going great. And these past months have made me realize who these people really are.

So here it goes, if your name is not mentionned I still love you haha:
(the orders are random and not ranked in order of importance or preference)

MICAH: Just that name makes me laugh. Thanks so much for always cheering me up! whether it be by drawing a picture of my cat, or making me listen to your biology teacher talk about "ras" you always make me laugh and make me momentarily forget my troubles. Thank you for putting off your studies, which we all know to be the most important aspect of your life, to spend my bday with me. They say ignorance is bliss, and you are a living proof of that hahahah (joking) but dont change your weird goofy self. HAHAHA

NIMAH: I feel so bad for you. Having to constantly hear me vent day and night. HAHA I dont know how you do it! I would be so sick of myself! hahaha but you're always there to lend an ear, and tell me the things I want to hear haha. Thanks so much for sticking by my side through my stupidities, and always sharing your stories as well. I feel so lucky that we became good friends and I feel blessed just knowing I can call you and just talk about stuff, good AND bad. THANKS so much, although you probably dont read my blog haha. You are one of the few people that I truly trust! now wheres my grapefruit drink?

PASTOR DAVE & JANELLE: where do I start? You guys have been the most accepting people I have ever known in my life. I see and feel so much of Gods love through the both of you. I dont know where I would be if I hadnt come to you guys with my problem. I dont know where I would be if I didnt have you guys to confide in. I feel so blessed to know you both, below the surface and deeper than the sunday-hi/bye talk. I value your support so much, and I am deeply touched by all the caring, praying and healing you've brought to my life. I dont know how I will ever repay you guys for everything that you've done. Thank you.

GLORIA: haha the girl that just became legal! Thanks so much for uh... letting me partake in.. uh yeah you know what I MEAN. being careful just in case. haha thanks so much for just being there for me, although Im not able to share much of the problem with you. Thanks for all the support, and just your overall positiveness that transfers itself to me through your contagious (and wacko ) laughs! hahah you are a lot more mature than I give you credit for. Thank you for being there for me at this low point in my life, I will always remember it.

REBECCA: Im so happy I got to know you, although it had to be through this experience! You oppened my eyes to a whole new side of God! Thanks for being so accepting and welcoming! I regret not having been able to know you better before, but i cherish our new found friendship!! Thank you for being so understanding and for just making me feel that Im not alone. and mr. marie-vanier too.. haha ( am I allowed to write his name? haha)

JON: Although I dont really know you in depth, since by the time I came to church, you left for New York. So evidently, I dont know you as well as the others, but having talked to you on msn, I think I really missed out on knowing a great person. Thanks for letting me vent all the time. It might seem small to you, but I really appreciate it, going through times like these, even the small stuff seem huge. You're so mature, and you've definitely made me want to me wiser and mature as well. You're really inspiring and I hope to get to know you better, even if its through msn! Thanks ...

TIM: Were watching so much less TV this year! haha Thanks for the words of encouragement, and I guess we havent been able to talk for a while, since you're a bit busier this year haha, but I appreciate you nonetheless. I hope we get to catch up and just talk about whatever, like before.

CARYN: for enduring me AND my mom! haha Thank you for always giving me talks and just comfort me that things will be alright. I really appreciate your kindness and your tolerance, even if I did the EXACT thing you told me not to haha. I learned my lesson, the hard way but learned it nonetheless. Thanks for being so impartial and non-judgemental, that really means a lot to me. Thanks so much!

IVAN AND ANITA: Thanks so much for accepting me in your small group. Im so grateful that you guys didnt judge me, but accepted me like your friend, even if I dont deserve it. Thanks for making me feel welcomed and appreciated every saturday! And just making this process that much easier for me! Im so sorry this ordeal got in the way of our friendship in ways that I would never have imagined, but I hope that we'll build a stronger friendship, from now on. Danke! ( that means thanks right?... or please? I cant remember... oh well)

TIFF: my long lost sister, Thanks for knowing what im going through and just being there for me even if its not physically haha. Its freaky how were in such similar circumstances sometimes! thanks for letting me get some stuff out of my system and for just understanding.

Well thats it! I realize that this email is extremely cheesy, but I just felt like I had to tell you guys this. I want you guys to know. I dont know if I would ever have the chance or the courage to tell you guys this face to face, so I guess this way would be the best. But I truly appreciate each and every one of you and I hope you guys know just how much.

I wanna be free

2004-11-20T17:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I look around me, and I just feel totally transparent. unoticeable you could say. Like do people really care? Do people really care to know the truth or would they rather believe talk that immerges from the goal of revenge? I dont get people sometimes.

Im generally happy. I have more than I ever deserved. Its just moments when you've hit the bottom, who can you turn to? Friends? some of them, I generally dont want to burden them with my endless venting. I pray, but then just when Im depressed, I realize that I do have people to whom I can talk to and confide in. People who dont judge me for the wrong I've done, but understand what Im going through and try so hard to help me.

But sometimes, its really hard to take the baby steps of forgiveness and ALWAYS be the one stepping back, always being the one making the detour, always being the one going the extra mile.

and I just hope that one day, I'll be able to breathe again.

WOW

2004-11-17T21:33:00.000-08:00

So I just finished watching Jack and Bobby!! Its one of the few shows that are in depth not only intellectually and emotionally! I mean I had no idea who's quotes they were quoting during their debate about philosophers? but somehow it just makes me feel smart that I like the show haha if that even makes sense!

What also struck me was that what appears on the surface, may not be how someone is doing below the surface. I think however perfect you think one's life may be, everybody struggles with issues and demons of their own, whether we know of them or not. A lot of times in life, I wish I were smarter, or more like this specific person, or more mature, or more anything! But I guess the people who seem to " have it together" face their own demons as well, and most of the time were not exposed to that side of them. I guess nobody's perfect, and constantly envying others will only lessen your self esteem, and the ultimate disappointment will be finding out that who we've been admiring or envying, have their own problems and defects just like us.

I know what Im writing doesnt make much sense. I think when I watch television, in order for me to absolutely love a certain show, it needs to somehow relate to me, or make me feel something. It needs to somehow make me reflect upon a certain issue, or just ignite a spark of interest of curiosity. It has to move me, in a genuine way, it has to make me think. Jack and Bobby has definitely met all those criteria.

I guess everybody views the same thing from a different angle, read Tim's blog for his take on tonights episode of Jack and Bobby.

AHA!

2004-11-15T14:40:00.000-08:00

ok so I finally thought up of a name, other than www.chia-pet.blogspot that a stupid someone wanted me to get~! so heres the new blog! Im so happy, its like starting all over again, on the internet that is. well I guess one step at a time right?
sooo more blogs when I actually get this thing figured out!

check back later!